Oh mama with the puffy eyes, I see you. And I see all the advice and hacks and ideas on the internet that make me feel like maybe homeschooling college might be the easier route!
Remember, there is no one right way to do any of this.
I saw a mom post that this was her 13th college move in. What? You help them every year? Yeah, no. I’m a boy mom and we get one if we are lucky. Our oldest let us come and fuss and it was great. The next one we had all the brothers and a girlfriend so it was less about us and every other year, we’ve kind of taken the back seat. Invited in to hang some things but more arm’s length than bed making. Our boys are fairly independent and so it works for us but even with that it is hard and I have one solution that might help. Adjust as needed.
At some point during the process, you can leave. You can remember that you forgot something in the car and you can take a break. Go grab an iced tea. One for you and one for another mom. Say you want to run to the car and go, take five to thirty five minutes on your own. Heck, pack the iced tea, I don’t care, but go back to the car for it and find another mom to share one with. Just for a moment. Create a space for your own moment of zen, peace, tears, connection that has nothing to do with the child you are leaving at college. It will serve as a touchstone for you when you need it most. A gap in the day where you get to feel your feet on the ground, look around, notice where your child is going to be, and just savor the moment. Because sometimes the kids are driving us crazy and the savoring is missed. The savoring matters. You deserve it. You’ve gotten this far and they are brave enough to go to college and that is your doing. You supported them, you raised them, you get a little private glory party.
And take it. And remind another mom they do, too. It will be fleeting. You will wonder how this child will survive. If you don’t make the bed, will they actually ever use the sheets? Will they even be able to manage their cords without you plugging in the surge protector? And the command hooks do not hang themselves. Mamas, I know, there will be packages of shit that they had to have that are unopened come the end of the year. It is a fact of life.
And you can take a break from the madness of it all.
When you go for your thirty five minute iced tea break, it will give the child a moment without you for a deep breath. If you are married or partnered, it gives them the moment to lean in and be in charge. Even a minute for them to have together without you is beautiful because it also serves as a reminder that you won’t be there the next day, or the next week, or the next month.
Your coming back is the moment when you can see things with clearer eyes, you can breathe in the moment, savor the emotions in the room whatever they are because you have been through so many in the years that have gotten you to this point. You can do it and so can they.
It reminds me of a time when my boys were little, 2 and 4 and my husband was deployed. I decided the best thing to do would be to take them to a pumpkin patch and get two pumpkins each. It was great until I figured out that I couldn’t carry them and the pumpkins, or the pumpkins and not them, or them and not the pumpkins. I was in over my head. I was going to have to leave the children or the pumpkins behind. And another mom saw me just for a moment with her bigger kids and assigned them each one of my children and a pumpkin. She then introduced me to the portable wagon and the ability to accept help.
What I know to be true at the pumpkin patch that day is the same thing that is true at college move in. Somebody is struggling and somebody is figuring it out. With your iced tea, you get to be that sage for another for just a moment even when you are feeling the most vulnerable. Perhaps that will be your wagon lady just when you need them. Or maybe, you will be theirs!
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